If you are anything like me, you are constantly soul searching. You have made lemonade with the lemons you were given, and now you are ready to receive the hard lessons that you didn’t know you need-until you needed them. I have complied 6 life lessons that I had to learn, some the hard way, and that you need to learn too. If you’d like to know what they are, I invite you to read on.
Don’t take things personally
What people do or say has absolutely nothing to do with you, even if they do or say it to you. I know! It sounds crazy, but I’ll explain why. People’s actions and words are a projection of their insecurities onto you, and as the saying goes ‘hurt people, hurt people’. When someone offends you, by word or deed, it is our human nature to take it personally. When you get to the point of realising that they are simply projecting their insecurities, fears, hurts etc. onto you, you feel empathy for them. It is never about you, but about them! You are simply a vessel that they choose to pour their personal issues into.
I used to take everything personally-everything! When I finally learned that what people do or say is not about me, but about them, it changed my life. And I rarely take things personally today. I owe this life lesson to the book, ‘The Four Agreements’ by author Don Miguel Ruiz. ‘Don’t take things personally’, is the second agreement. Here is a snippet from that chapter. ‘If someone gives you an opinion and says, “Hey, you look so fat”, don’t take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators’.
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Everyone is doing the best they can
We’re all doing the best we can at any given moment, with the tools we have. In the same way that a carpenter and a plumber have tools in their tool boxes that are different to the other, so is each person equipped with different tools: gifts, mind-sets and life experiences. I believe that we were given different tools to work with, just like the carpenter and the plumber. Our actions are a direct reflection of the tools we have and how we choose to use them. People do what they do because they are using the tools that they have in their tool box. You can’t expect someone to show empathy when it is lacking in their tool box. Perhaps growing up, their parents didn’t show compassion when they needed it most. Someone, whose childhood was filled with sadness and turmoil, may find it hard to be joyful when they come into adulthood.
If you can look at people’s actions as coming from a place of hurt, and that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have, you’d begin to see them through different lens. When I learned that I need to give grace, not only to myself, but to others, it was a game changer. I am not saying that people should be satisfied with the tools that they were given, and never strive to fill their boxes with the equipment that they need to be the best version of themselves. But, if you have an understanding that people are doing the best they can, with the tools they have, you learn grace.
Relationships are for a reason and a season
This was a hard pill for me to swallow. Relationships, be it, friendships or romance, are for a reason and a season. People come into your life to teach you something-about the world and most importantly-about you. I had to learn that people are not meant to stay, and that’s ok. Very few of us are blessed to have the people who played with us on the playground, from when we were kids, still around today, as friends. Most of us are not so blessed. It doesn’t mean that either you or they are bad people; it just means that your season in each other’s life is over.
When you grow, your relationships either grow with you, or they die. Just as nature causes the trees to shed their leaves in the autumn to make way for new leaves to spring forth, life will prune your relationships, making room for new people and experiences. We must be grateful for the friendships and romantic relationships that we cultivated, that are no longer a part of our lives. We must thank them for serving the purpose for which they were intended. And then we must lovingly let them go, knowing God brought you together so that you can learn what you needed to learn-about you, them and the world. When I finally learned this lesson, it blew my mind.
You are owed nothing
No one owes you anything. The world owes you nothing. You are not owed an apology, an explanation, closure, or even a ‘thank you’. See, I used to think that I was owed-all of the above. ‘How dare they?!’ I’d say to myself, until I learned that people do not owe me a darn thing. Ouch! Imagine the shock that jolted through my body when I learned that one! When we feel entitled to an apology, closure etc. our egos are at play. Whenever we feel entitled to others energy, company and space, there goes that three letter word again-ego. And by ‘we’, I also mean, ‘me’. I too was there for many years, stuck in the pit of ‘entitlement’, until I learned that the only person who owes me anything is ME!
I had to learn to give myself the closure that I craved, and not to seek it from the other party involved. And I also had to learn that were I to wait for an apology from some people, I’d be waiting to my grave. When I grasped that lesson, only then was I able to move forward. Instead of waiting on someone, the world, to give you what you desire or feel you are owed; give yourself the things you seek. Trust me; you’ll be better for it. Why don’t you start giving yourself what you so desperately crave from others?
Forgiveness is for you, not them
I have struggled with forgiveness for years. And dare I say I know that I am not alone in the struggle to forgive. I held onto hurts refusing to let them go. I wore them on my chest as a badge of honour. Sounds familiar? I stayed in victimhood for a very long time. ‘How could he do that to me?’ ‘How could she do that to me’? ‘How dare they?!’ Like a hamster running on a wheel, this narrative ran through my mind. I felt that holding onto my pain and what ‘they’ did to ‘me’ was somehow punishing them. It sounds silly, doesn’t it? But as silly as it sounds, it is what we do. We somehow feel that by holding the person in our hearts and refusing to forgive them, we make them pay for what they did to us. I knew I had to change, and so I sought relentlessly to learn how to forgive. Through prayer, meditating on the word of God, journaling and reading literature on forgiveness, I learned that forgiveness is for you, not them. Forgiveness unlocks so many things in your life. It opens the door to freedom, peace and prosperity. When you truly forgive, you unblock your heart chakra and release all the trapped negative emotions, and you open your life to the abundance that God and the Universe have for you.
I guarantee that if you are harbouring un-forgiveness in your heart, you will never truly experience life the way God wants you to, because you are too busy holding onto grudges. I can speak on this, because that was me. I’m not perfect, and there are days when I want to revisit my past and ruminate, but I am definitely a lot better than what I used to be. I read a book, ‘Radical Forgiveness’, by author Colin Tipping, and it changed my life, where forgiveness is concerned. I highly recommend that book if you are struggling with forgiveness. The author said this, and it stuck with me: ‘we too, are completely capable of whatever the accused person has done. If we are acquainted with our shadow self, we know that we all have within us the potential to cause harm’. Tipping also said,’ whenever someone upsets us, we must recognize it as an opportunity to forgive. The person upsetting us may be resonating something in us that we need to heal, and in that case, we can choose to see it as a gift-if we care to shift our perception.’
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If you’d like to purchase ‘Radical Forgiveness’, please click this link
Everything is exactly as it should be
The other day I found myself ruminating on the past and wishing that a lot of things were different. I started to think, maybe I shouldn’t have said something that I said, did something that I did, entertained that person, and the list went on. I was driving myself mad trying to reshuffle the past, which is an obvious pointless exercise because the past cannot be changed. We all know that we cannot change the past but we spend hours thinking about the ‘what ifs’. Like an epiphany, it dawned on me that everything is exactly as it should be.
Every mishap, mistake, bad judgement, ill spoken word or deed led me to the path I am on today. And so it is for you too. Life is not a smooth path, there are many bumps in the road, but it’s overcoming the obstacles that make the journey worthwhile. A smooth sea doesn’t make for a good sailor. Everything that happened in the past, took you, me, to the present moment. One different decision could have taken you to an entirely different path. That person had to break your heart and betray you in order to make room for the people who will treat you right. Nothing happens by chance. And everything happened for a reason and brought you to where you are today.
Of the 6 life lessons I mentioned, which ones have you learned or have yet to come to terms with? I’d like to hear from you! Comment in the comment section and let’s have a conversation.